The last porn movie ever was uploaded to the internet Monday afternoon, after being shot and edited that morning.
Wikimedia Commons has recently had to declare “no more dicks” after the site became saturated with penis selfies.
The amount of porn – in a wide variety of media including HD video, SD video, shot-on-a-potato video, still images, cartoons, interactive manga, CG shots made with Daz Studio and “Other” – on the internet is estimated to be in the region of 865 exabytes. Experts believe that this number is so large that it outstrips pictures of cats, food, and duckface-selfies combined by several orders of magnitude. This has lead to the internet suddenly and unanimously declaring “that’s enough, we don’t really need any more now” as there is now simply enough porn to satisfy all philosophically possible demand.
Ben Stiffwood, of Splaton-on-Cum, Essex, explains his involvement in the declaration: “It was some time during my 6th tug of the evening, while the wife was off in the shower… ” he says “…when I suddenly realised something profound: I could watch these movies all night, for every single day of my entire life, and still not see the same girl take the same load in her filthy, slutty face twice. And that’s just in the Japanese / Afro-Mongolian interracial section. It was at that moment I decided to stick with what was there, and not bother with anything new.”
“There’s a whole world of smut to sexplore.” Stiffwood added, before laughing maniacally over his own pun.
“We were expecting this.” Says Prof. Steven Rimjob of the American National Association of Lubricated-activities. “It’s a phenomenon we identified in the mid-1980s as ‘Peak Fap’. But most were skeptical that it would ever be reached before the entropic heat death of the universe. Back then, though, all we had to go on was the effects of Betamax vs VHS – it was a more naive, and more innocent, time. No one could have predicted the effect broadband internet and online video streaming would have had in accelerating the process exponentially.”
Experts were first alerted “Peak Fap” when Nintendo Gangbang XXX was met with lukewarm reviews, with industry magazine The Daily Uuggh dismissing it as “derivative”.
Prof. Rimjob did his best to settle worries that the decision to cease production of all pornography was too hasty, adding that “all possible combinations of smut have been committed to video and compressed into a handy MPEG format… yes, including that. There’s, like, an entire conglomerate of websites dedicated to that.”
The last porn flick uploaded to the Internet was College Girls With Heterochromia Get Nasty vol.29. It was a British production, although due to stricter government guidelines on what is and isn’t allowed on the internet it was filmed with both participants hidden under a white sheet, speaking in code to each other, and will be preceded by an 18 minute legal disclaimer and heath-and-safety warning. Pornstar Max Stallion called the end of the production “a tearful moment” adding “not least because I accidentally twanged my banjo string lining up for the anal bit. Christ what a way to end it.”
His veteran co-star Steamy Devon had been preparing for the arrival of Peak Fap since her career started 4 months ago. “I’ve already converted my Instagram account from pictures of my boobs to shots of old buildings accompanied by explanations of their architectural significance, I’m currently doing a series on surviving Tudor structures in Yorkshire, and their juxtaposition with modern life.” she says, but admits the transition has been hard, “It’s been difficult, you know. It takes a while to get used to being treated like a person again.”
Spherical Bullshit 