This is Why the Aliens Won’t Talk to Us

I was going to say something on this, but was lazy and got PsyGremlin to do it for me.

We couldn't make this up...

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life.”

Thus spake Ken Ham, once again jumping up and down in a vain attempt to show that he still has any relevance. Of course, the curator of the biggest excuse for a museum in the history of always, has no problem with the tens of millions of dollars that have been spent – mostly through tax breaks from the idiots in Kentucky’s legislature and junk bonds – in the desperate and fruitless attempt to recreate Noah’s ark alongside his laughable Creation Museum. The way things are going, the chances are we’ll find E.T. long before anybody sets a foot inside Ham’s ark… or sees a return on their investment.

Of course, when you read further into his post, you find that it’s not so…

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Anti-feminists vs Creationists: A Brief Side-by-side Comparison

1. Drawing strange analogies and unusual comparisons out of left field is a useful tactic.

Particularly if they make no sense. Noetics? What the hell is that? Fish-bicycles… ficycles? Who knows.

2. Big convoluted philosophical terms like “critical thinking” and “objective meaning” make you seem deep.

Doesn’t matter if you don’t know what they mean, just use them. Underline them or put them in caps. Make sure you draw attention to the fact you’re using the terms. Just use them – that’s all that matters.

3. Complicated and lengthy statements can mask your lack of experience with the topic you’re talking about.

Well fuck me if information theory, levels-of-analysis, undirected evolution, the fallacy of relative privation, gene expression and the relativity of social privileges are all just too damn complicated to explain in a single pithy one-sentence reply.

4. Ask closed leading questions.

You know the immediate answer is going to favour your cause, and you can shut up the other side before they get to the “but!” part.

5. Simplify everything down to a single factor.

Preferably a factor that has everything to do with your own ego.

6. When stating what you believe, make short pithy and easy-to-understand statements.

Details? Ignore the details. Details are for losers – and might lead to you realising that what you believe in isn’t always the same as what you say you believe in.

7. If in doubt, be white, pretty and have a vacant expression.

It helps us translate what you write into an appropriately mocking voice.

8. The total non-sequitur is also your friend.

A ⇒ B; B ⇒ C; A ∴ ZEBRA*GLOCKENSPEIL.

9. Make no attempt to understand what you’re opposed to.

Let’s face it – this is exactly the problem for all these examples.