12 Reasons Why I’m Going To Download Those Pictures of Jennifer Lawrence – And You Should Too!

Following a spate of incredibly blunt posts about why you shouldn’t¬†go hunting for these photographs, I’m going to tell you why you should:

  1. Nudity fixation – the only value a woman’s appearance has, is naked. Clothed? Even clothed well? Nope. No value in that whatsoever. Even totally clad in nothing but a miniature thong and bikini top, that’s not enough. The magic line is at the nipple. Because, you know… erm… yeah. Exactly. See?
  2. Those bitches deserved it – taking intimate photos of oneself is a lapse in judgement. Lapses in judgement like that should be punished severely.
  3. I’m most important – as are my masturbatory privileges. In fact, my ability to fap my ass off to hastily taken snaps from someone’s iPhone takes total priority over human decency and respect. It’s not like they’re people anyway, right?
  4. Lack of consent is hot – and I’m not talking the “no sir, please stop, please…” kind of “lack”. We can get adequate photographs of bare breasts taken with the owner’s consent for suitable recompense anywhere, like Page 3 of The Sun. That’s no fun. What’s really smoking hot is that these were explicitly not for viewing. Aw, yeah!
  5. It’s not illegal – and you can’t make it illegal! Naa-naa-naa-naa! I can’t hear you! Why would you make it illegal? That’s just like an Orwellian thought-crime. Orwell was right, you know! You don’t want to make information illegal, do you? Therefore, I need those pictures.
  6. They like it, really – all quasi-famous people are narcissists. Why else would they have those photos taken anyway? It’s not like they have relationships, or actually have sex, or have feelings. It’s just for them, so they should share it, because.
  7. Pixellation is hot – so what if porn companies were early adopters of high volume HD streaming technology, video distribution, 3D and fully-immersive interactive experiences? That slightly smudged, grainy, taken-through-an-aperture-the-size-of-a-gnat’s-anus look of a camera phone is where it’s at. I blame years of shoddy internet connections, even the word “Buffering” is now immediately arousing.
  8. I’m insecure about my sexuality – I’m totally not gay. Not gay at all. In fact, I’m so not gay I need to run to Reddit right now to tell them all about how I’m masturbating to women. WOMEN, dammit! Because I’m NOT GAY.
  9. If you didn’t want them seen, you shouldn’t have taken them – today is the age of the internet and information. Information is free. Once it’s copied, it’s in the public domain. That means public. It’s interesting to the public and so of public interest. QED.
  10. Because you’re worthless – just imagine them all crying and sobbing when they found out… aw yeah, that’s the stuff. That’s right, slut, you’re worthless, you don’t mean shit. You might be critically acclaimed, famous, talented and respected in an industry but you’re nothing next to my dead-end pointless life.
  11. It’s the feminist’s fault – what do you mean why? Shut up, tumblfag. I’m using Logic and Reason here. It’s always their fault.
  12. I can’t get it elsewhere – why don’t women like me? I’m such a nice guy!

Yes, the above is satirical. Apparently this needs pointed out these days. If the above is a bit much, then there are plenty of fantastically blunt articles on this subject that are worth reading.