Theresa May Shocked To Learn ‘Red, White and Blue Brexit’ Still Not A Real Plan

Speaking on a two-day cruise to Bahrain, Prime Minister Theresa ‘What Even Is SSL, Anyway?’ May has described the need for a “Red, White, and Blue Brexit” only to be met with raised eyebrows from everyone paying attention.brexit_recession

“What? What did I say this time?” She asked.

When pressed for further details, May quickly responded with “What I mean is, Brexit Means Brexit” to be met with, yet again, further stunned silences. At one point, one top-level economist was seen to mouth the words ‘what the actual fuck’.

Brexit Is As Brexit DoesIt’s The Brexit, Stupid… Read My Lips: Brexit…”

“Okay, look, everyone…” May finally conceded. “We’ve gone over these plans in high level cabinet meetings. Believe me, we have formulated many, many potential plans for how this shit-show is going to go down.”

“We went over some other prospective candidates, such as ‘Super-Brexit‘, and ‘New Brexit: Now With a Hint of Mint‘ and our thorough analysis of those revealed they just wouldn’t work. We even hired some top-level consultants to think outside the box and come up with ‘Diet Brexit‘ and ‘Brexit With Bells On‘, and we even considered ‘Brexit II: The Brexoning‘ until one of the clerks pointed out we’d probably need a ‘Brexit I’ before we can have a ‘Brexit II’. At one point Phil the intern even suggested ‘Follow the existing pattern of existing affiliated member states, secure free access to the common market and existing trade deals via allowing free movement, then slowly phase out the EU regulations and directives that we don’t need in order to minimise sudden impacts to the economy, and put the resulting details to the public in a second referendum in late 2017… Brexit‘ but come the fuck on guys, that doesn’t fit in 140 characters so is completely unworkable as an idea.”

After walking away, May was replaced by a close advisor who revealed further details of the cabinet’s current plan. “Right…” he said. “You know how in RPG there’s a quest, yeah? Well, we’re on a quest called ‘Get Britain Out of the EU’, right? So, it stands to reason that there should be some old guy with purple hair standing at the back of a convoluted dungeon, sealed behind some ancient possessed hell beast, and he’ll have access to the ‘Elixir of Brexit’. Right? See, we’ve got this down, guys! Now worries. So Brexit Means Brexit, right? Come on, what more do you fuckers want from us?”

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Every Conversation With A Brexiteer Ever

Well, perhaps not ever… but this seems to be the summary of many:


Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: But the referendum was only ever advertised as advisory, it was never legally binding for the government to enact. So it really should be given parliamentary approval in a free vote. Particularly, the terms agreed upon after 2 years of Article 50 negotiations should be ratified through our representative democracy.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: But perhaps it’s dangerous to just enact something without proper expert consideration, especially now that multiple Vote Leave promises have been rescinded and it’s become clear that the population may have been (read: definitely were) mislead. The political and economic landscape has changed significantly since June, so you can’t say a decision taken by non-experts in one situation should be, by default and without consideration, applicable to a much different different situation at a later date.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!brexit_recession

Remainer: But it was a very small win for Leave. The margin was a few percent, almost on par with a margin of error. Given the number of people expressing regret over their vote – a proportion that polls suggest would be high enough to swing the referendum in a different direction if it were done today – is it wise to plough on without further due consideration? Can we not take into account further opinion polls taken after a reflection on the impacts to the value of our currency, the economic impact, or the fact that many Vote Leave promises turned out to be complete fabrications?

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Okay, but we have a constitution based around representative democracy. We elect people to make decisions on our behalf based on the fact they can take the time and do enough research to make an informed decision, whereas the general public can’t afford the time. In line with both the country’s precedent-based constitution, parliament should have a final say in both leaving the EU and accepting post-EU terms. They should take popular opinion under advisement ( as this was advertised as, and as they’ve always done) without accepting the narrow referendum result as a mandate for sweeping, unilateral change.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Thing is, many aspects of democracy require supermajorities to enact rather than 50% +1. Things like amending the US constitution, for example. That’s precisely to stop bad decisions being made on the back of popularism and to ensure broad, representative consensus rather than making sweeping changes when there’s a clear split and the margin is tight. It’s also why arguments about the counterfactual case of ‘Remain’ winning by a small margin don’t hold up – because you don’t need to get a supermajority or a large margin in favour of the status quo to keep with the status quo, because there would still be no strong mandate for change. This is also the essence of basic conservatism, incidentally, as well as part of mainstream political thought about democracy since the term was invented.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Part of the democratic process is that you can’t just accept things blindly, even when popular – as you have to have safeguards against a tyranny of the majority, where the rights of minorities can be removed or oppressed just because a majority says so. If some groups will be more negatively affected by a decision than others, then not everyone is equal when it comes to a simple ballot. Something that sounds good to a large number of people but will probably not affect them might be absolutely devastating to a small number of people who will never have their voice heard in a popular vote. This should be taken into account when taking the voting results into consideration as this forms the basis of a representative, egalitarian and equal society – again, the basis of democracy and mainstream political theories of justice.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Democracy doesn’t begin and end at voting. It starts at representation, and ends with beneficial decisions made through consensus – with voting as a means, not an end. It’s an involved process that continues beyond just voting when and where they tell you. There are countless opportunities to petition, or get involved in decision making. It doesn’t stop, it continues. That’s the actual point of democracy if we want it to mean something positive and beneficial rather than just hanging on the idea that it’s a popularity contest and the majority rules. Leaving it at “vote, and the majority rules!” is a really stunted view of democracy, one which really limits its ability to do the most good for the most number of people – particularly so when the question asked of the populace at large is a simple binary but the real-world options and their ramifications are numerous, complex, and nuanced.

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Fine, fine… but… how? How are we going to implement this? The vote was a binary choice of in/out. There was no concrete plan suggested at all – especially by the people pushing the ‘Leave’ option. We’ve literally been left alone to figure this out. Sure, we can do it… but there are no details. What are the details? What do you actually want?

Leaver: It was a vote, you have to accept it!

Remainer: Fuck it, I can’t be bothered with this shit anymore.

Leaver: SEE! YOU SILL LITTLE REMOANERS CAN’T ENGAGE WITH ANYTHING! WHAT STUPID IDIOTS YOU ARE!!! ALL YOU DO IS CALL US RACIST FOR BEING BRITISH!! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY ARGUMENTS, JUST INSULTS!! NOW SHUT UP! IT WAS A VOTE, YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT!


Addendum: The high court rules that parliament should vote on leaving the EU. Good. This isn’t about preventing Article 50 being invoked, it’s about making sure it’s done with our actual sovereignty intact, through the due process of our representative parliamentary democracy. It’s about making sure that the more complex and nuanced options available in reality, and not on an idealised voting slip, are explored democratically. If you’ve bleated on for a year or so about us leaving the European Union in order to restore our “sovereignty”, and then supported the government unilaterally and autocratically passing a law without parliamentary approval, then you are – plain and simply – a hypocrite. If you still can’t wrap your head around this, read here, and keep reading until you understand.


Addendum 2: If any of the above sounds like “bullshit” or “whining” to you, or you still think “but democracy is about voting”, I suggestion you begin with the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy’s article on democracy. Rather interestingly, it doesn’t spend a lot of time talking about voting, because – louder for the people at the back – democracy doesn’t begin and end at a vote.

Fuck Millennials

For context, this is what I hear every time I hear the word “millennial”.


Fuck the millennial generation! Screw them. They’re what’s wrong with the world right now, they’re the root cause of everything.

Of course, I mean, well… it’s not like they’re old enough to ever hold serious political office. But, it’s definitely their fault that laws are messed up. It’s the young peoples’ fault, definitely. Laws, the EU, the country! Young people today, that’s the fault!

And their voting record is terrible… they just… okay, fine, so anyone under the age of 23 has only been able to vote in one election in their entire lifetime so far, but it’s definitely how they vote and their lack of voting that’s screwing the world up. Damn their entitlement. If they wanted to vote they should have been born ten years earlier!

And they just screw the economy… I mean, none of them are old enough to buy and sell a house, hell, most kids barely can afford a car, but they’re definitely the cause of the economy flustering. Because. They are. Aren’t they? Just useless, the lot of them.

But what really hacks me off about Millennials is jobs. I mean, sure, sure… they don’t, by and large, have any hiring or firing experience…  They don’t run big companies or trade shares because people fresh out of school and college don’t do that sort of thing… they just… it’s clearly just their fault because. Because Millennials.

They’re just too self obsessed with themselves! They should be worrying about my problems, like my pension and whether my house price will go down and whether I’m allowed to call a coon a coon and not trampling my right to say how I want Muzzie-foreigners deported or shot. Because me, me, me… not the me-me-me generation!

Fuck their entitlement. I need my high house prices, I need my cheap fuel and cheap cars, I need my pension and to retire at 65. Why should I care that they won’t get that, the entitled whiny bitches…? What about me and my needs and wants? I’m entitled to things, they aren’t.

And screw their “activism”. If they were really anti-war or whatever, they’d have the good sense of doing something about it by being older and having actual political power rather than having to do their lazy protests and reading and sharing… I mean, come on, how pathetic is that? Why don’t they form their own opinions instead , and quit being so young and just do what I tell them because I’m right and they’re just stupid.

Okay, so they don’t have political power, they don’t vote because they legally couldn’t until recently, they don’t run big companies, they occasionally care about people other than themselves, they don’t sell houses for a profit because they’re literally not old enough to have had one for long enough, and they don’t get high powered jobs because they’re not old enough…

…but it’s still all their fault. Obviously.

No, Scientists Didn’t Do The Thing

I threatened to write this a few posts back, and after I Fucking Don’t Understand Science’s last clusterfuck, I’m going to. So next time a major science story gets reported in the popular press, this is the generic response:


No, despite what you have read, Scientists did not do the Thing that has been widely reported in the media yesterday.

You might have heard that scientists did a Thing. This Thing was pretty world-changing. Certainly, if you were to do the Thing, there would be several Nobel Prizes involved. However, you should note that the Thing is, in fact, so far removed from reality that the universe would probably implode with contradictions if the Thing was indeed true.

What was widely reported as “scientists”, plural, with connections to some big science-y organisation you probably have heard of thanks to a Brian Cox documentary, actually just came from one lone scientist, Scientist. As you can probably tell from a quick Google search of their name, this is not the first time Scientist has done something like this.

In fact, they are prone to talking about doing the Thing quite frequently, which was debunked the last time this blog mentioned Scientist.

Scientist has never so far reported doing the Thing in a peer reviewed, decent journal. In fact, the Thing was originally just a conference poster, presented to five people in Ass-end, Nowhere. They then emailed this to Journalist, who started the ball rolling as every other “journalist” just copy-pasted the press release, word for word, about the Thing. Of course, journalists have no expertise in the Thing, so we can’t quite expect them to know that the Thing overturns almost everything experts in the Thing already know as actual facts.

But spotting a few glaring inconsistencies with Scientist’s insistence that they did the Thing isn’t hard. You will note it was never published in a decent journal. You’ll note that their paper doesn’t even begin to prove that the Thing was done, nor happened, nor even is a thing to start with. Their communication about the Thing is devoid of any experimental details of how they came about the Thing, making replication difficult, and where Scientist did give us information on the Thing, it turned out to be severely lacking.

So, in conclusions, the Thing is not real. Scientists did not do the Thing. Can we please have a bit more fucking skepticism and less clickbait next time, please, is that too much to ask?

“We Have Enough Porn”, Declares Internet

The last porn movie ever was uploaded to the internet Monday afternoon, after being shot and edited that morning.

Wikimedia Commons has recently had to declare “no more dicks” after the site became saturated with penis selfies.

The amount of porn – in a wide variety of media including HD video, SD video, shot-on-a-potato video, still images, cartoons, interactive manga, CG shots made with Daz Studio and “Other” – on the internet is estimated to be in the region of 865 exabytes. Experts believe that this number is so large that it outstrips pictures of cats, food, and duckface-selfies combined by several orders of magnitude. This has lead to the internet suddenly and unanimously declaring “that’s enough, we don’t really need any more now” as there is now simply enough porn to satisfy all philosophically possible demand.

Ben Stiffwood, of Splaton-on-Cum, Essex, explains his involvement in the declaration: “It was some time during my 6th tug of the evening, while the wife was off in the shower… ” he says “…when I suddenly realised something profound: I could watch these movies all night, for every single day of my entire life, and still not see the same girl take the same load in her filthy, slutty face twice. And that’s just in the Japanese / Afro-Mongolian interracial section. It was at that moment I decided to stick with what was there, and not bother with anything new.”

“There’s a whole world of smut to sexplore.” Stiffwood added, before laughing maniacally over his own pun.

“We were expecting this.” Says Prof. Steven Rimjob of the American National Association of Lubricated-activities. “It’s a phenomenon we identified in the mid-1980s as ‘Peak Fap’. But most were skeptical that it would ever be reached before the entropic heat death of the universe. Back then, though, all we had to go on was the effects of Betamax vs VHS – it was a more naive, and more innocent, time. No one could have predicted the effect broadband internet and online video streaming would have had in accelerating the process exponentially.”

Madison Ivy - 2013 AVN Expo Photos Las Vegas (8416900288).jpg

Experts were first alerted “Peak Fap” when Nintendo Gangbang XXX was met with lukewarm reviews, with industry magazine The Daily Uuggh dismissing it as “derivative”.

Prof. Rimjob did his best to settle worries that the decision to cease production of all pornography was too hasty, adding that “all possible combinations of smut have been committed to video and compressed into a handy MPEG format… yes, including that. There’s, like, an entire conglomerate of websites dedicated to that.”

The last porn flick uploaded to the Internet was College Girls With Heterochromia Get Nasty vol.29. It was a British production, although due to stricter government guidelines on what is and isn’t allowed on the internet it was filmed with both participants hidden under a white sheet, speaking in code to each other, and will be preceded by an 18 minute legal disclaimer and heath-and-safety warning. Pornstar Max Stallion called the end of the production “a tearful moment” adding “not least because I accidentally twanged my banjo string lining up for the anal bit. Christ what a way to end it.”

His veteran co-star Steamy Devon had been preparing for the arrival of Peak Fap since her career started 4 months ago. “I’ve already converted my Instagram account from pictures of my boobs to shots of old buildings accompanied by explanations of their architectural significance, I’m currently doing a series on surviving Tudor structures in Yorkshire, and their juxtaposition with modern life.” she says, but admits the transition has been hard, “It’s been difficult, you know. It takes a while to get used to being treated like a person again.”

Are You A Mangina?

So you’ve been called a “mangina”? Okay, you may not have come across this term before, but never fear, this objective assessment will help you all out and let you know if their accusation had merit. Because, seriously, do not Google Images that term.

Please answer the following questions truthfully and honestly:

Are women principally sacks of meat?

a) Yes, absolutely bro.

b) Well, technically

c) No, of course not, they’re actual people. They have agency and feelings.

Boobs breads 01.jpg

Is your main goal in life to stick your penis in warm, moist things?

a) Yeah. Bitches are getting the D. *SELF-FIVE*

b) Like on American Pie?

c) No. That would be pretty sad. What about doing something meaningful for others?

Is the character Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother a positive role model?

a) Totally! The dude is swimming in the poon, dawg!

b) “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave you met Ted?”

c) Gods no… that’s the point! Do people actually think that?!?! Did they even watch the show?!?

Size 10. Discuss.

a) Ewww, gross dude! Never get up on a fattie.

b) What, in shoes?

c) Size 10 in the US is equivalent to size 14 in the United Kingdom and size 42 in the European Union. Clothing sizes developed in the late 1800s as commercialisation of clothing towards the masses began to take off, necessitating standardised sizing for those too poor to simply afford everything to be custom made. The supposedly standard sizes have, in fact, varied over time although their present measurements were set in 1958 under the standards regulation…

Do you like to use handcuffs in bed?

a) Yeah, stops the dumb bitches running away. Lol. No means yes! Yes means harder!

b) Why would you… never mind.

c) I’m open to it. But both partners’ consent to it is the most important thing.

Handcuffs by Armondikov

Anal?

a) No means yes! Yes means anal! Dude yeah!! Nice ‘n’ tight!

b) No matter how clean the house is, they’re still not satisfied.

c) Again, consent and safety. I mean, sure, some people actually like it. But it’s important to do it slowly at first, preferably with lubricant and constant communication between people.

You see a woman in a short dress walk down the street. What do you do?

a) Tap that bitch’s ass, dude! That’s what!

b) There are so many song lyrics stuck in my head right now.

c) Nothing. Why would I?

A close friend confesses that she’s been raped, what do you do?

a) Fuckin’ slut.

b) …no joke answers on this one.

c) Oh, oh gods, that’s hard. Support her. Definitely make sure she’s okay. Help her report it to the police, go with her if she wants. Keep her confidence, sure, so no going around just telling anyone. And ask if she wants anyone else to help get her through it.

How much sex do you actually get?

a) All the fucking time, dude. Ten times a night!! Yeah. Bitches be all over the D here!

b) Well, there’s Rosie Palm and her five daughters…

c) I think that’s between me and my steady partner, thanks.

No, really, how much sex do you actually get?

a) Okay, dude, quiet… look, there’s this little pill, right? And you just slip it in their diet coke like so…

b) I have much gold.

c) A few times a week and occasionally full-on sessions on a weekend, happy now? And the occasional orgy at the club. And the threesomes with her girlfirends. And this one cool time in a hot-tub where…

Adding up

Okay, so thanks for finishing the quiz. Now check over you answers.

  • If you answered mostly “a”, congratulations, you are definitely not a mangina. You may continue about your business. Just, not in front of anyone else, please.
  • If you answered mostly “b”, then perhaps we need to have a little chat about the birds and the bees before sending you off to college, okay?
  • If you at any point answered “c” to any of the questions, then I am sorry to inform you that you are a mangina. You are a beta mangina, thus say all us Alphas with our Game.

I hope this clears things up.

12 Reasons Why I’m Going To Download Those Pictures of Jennifer Lawrence – And You Should Too!

Following a spate of incredibly blunt posts about why you shouldn’t go hunting for these photographs, I’m going to tell you why you should:

  1. Nudity fixation – the only value a woman’s appearance has, is naked. Clothed? Even clothed well? Nope. No value in that whatsoever. Even totally clad in nothing but a miniature thong and bikini top, that’s not enough. The magic line is at the nipple. Because, you know… erm… yeah. Exactly. See?
  2. Those bitches deserved it – taking intimate photos of oneself is a lapse in judgement. Lapses in judgement like that should be punished severely.
  3. I’m most important – as are my masturbatory privileges. In fact, my ability to fap my ass off to hastily taken snaps from someone’s iPhone takes total priority over human decency and respect. It’s not like they’re people anyway, right?
  4. Lack of consent is hot – and I’m not talking the “no sir, please stop, please…” kind of “lack”. We can get adequate photographs of bare breasts taken with the owner’s consent for suitable recompense anywhere, like Page 3 of The Sun. That’s no fun. What’s really smoking hot is that these were explicitly not for viewing. Aw, yeah!
  5. It’s not illegal – and you can’t make it illegal! Naa-naa-naa-naa! I can’t hear you! Why would you make it illegal? That’s just like an Orwellian thought-crime. Orwell was right, you know! You don’t want to make information illegal, do you? Therefore, I need those pictures.
  6. They like it, really – all quasi-famous people are narcissists. Why else would they have those photos taken anyway? It’s not like they have relationships, or actually have sex, or have feelings. It’s just for them, so they should share it, because.
  7. Pixellation is hot – so what if porn companies were early adopters of high volume HD streaming technology, video distribution, 3D and fully-immersive interactive experiences? That slightly smudged, grainy, taken-through-an-aperture-the-size-of-a-gnat’s-anus look of a camera phone is where it’s at. I blame years of shoddy internet connections, even the word “Buffering” is now immediately arousing.
  8. I’m insecure about my sexuality – I’m totally not gay. Not gay at all. In fact, I’m so not gay I need to run to Reddit right now to tell them all about how I’m masturbating to women. WOMEN, dammit! Because I’m NOT GAY.
  9. If you didn’t want them seen, you shouldn’t have taken them – today is the age of the internet and information. Information is free. Once it’s copied, it’s in the public domain. That means public. It’s interesting to the public and so of public interest. QED.
  10. Because you’re worthless – just imagine them all crying and sobbing when they found out… aw yeah, that’s the stuff. That’s right, slut, you’re worthless, you don’t mean shit. You might be critically acclaimed, famous, talented and respected in an industry but you’re nothing next to my dead-end pointless life.
  11. It’s the feminist’s fault – what do you mean why? Shut up, tumblfag. I’m using Logic and Reason here. It’s always their fault.
  12. I can’t get it elsewhere – why don’t women like me? I’m such a nice guy!

Yes, the above is satirical. Apparently this needs pointed out these days. If the above is a bit much, then there are plenty of fantastically blunt articles on this subject that are worth reading.