Star Wars Episode VIII – THE REMAKE SCRIPT

Apparently some guys say they have backing to remake The Last Jedi.

Clearly, they need a script. So I would like to offer the following, which I believe addresses many of the totally valid criticisms levelled at The Last Jedi by True Fans of Star Wars:

Image result for The Last Jedi

STAR WARS

EPISODE VIII – RETURN OF ALL THE COOL JEDI AND STUFF

It is a time of GREAT CONFUSION. The REPUBLIC, which was reformed after the Battle of Endor across several systems, has been destroyed. The REPUBLIC isn’t the same as THE OLD REPUBLIC though. It formed separately, see the appendices about who runs it.

The FIRST ORDER, which exists because several surviving senior members of the EMPIRE banded together to form it, has risen and is searching for the RESISTANCE Rebellion (who have renamed themselves to save confusion).

Hopefully this fills in some “plot holes” so you can go add it all to WOOKIEEPEDIA the instant the credits roll.

SCENE 1 – DAY

REY HAS FOUND LUKE SKYWALKER AND IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM HOLDING OUT A LIGHTSABER. LUKE LOOKS ON AT HER.

LUKE
So… you have found me, my…

**LUKE PAUSES**

LUKE
Daughter!

**PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE GASPS**

REY
I’m your daughter?

LUKE
Yes. We hid you on Jakuu 18 years ago to hide you from the Empire. Because you were super-special and strong with the Force. MACE WINDU’s Force Ghost told me to hide you because you’re special. And, also, you’re the new CHOSEN ONE. Also, Midichlorians aren’t real after all.

REY
Really?

LUKE
Yes, really. Now, let me introduce you to your mother…

**LUKE PAUSES**

LUKE
Mara Jade!

**MARA JADE WALKS UP. THE CAMERA LINGERS ON HER CLEAVAGE FOR TWENTY SECONDS. THEN IT SCANS UP TO HER FACE. SHE’S PLAYED BY SOMEONE TOTALLY FIT BUT, LIKE, NOT IN A WEIRD WAY LIKE NATALIE DORMER, MORE LIKE… I DUNNO, JUST PICK SOMEONE UNDER 30**

MARA JADE
Hi.

LUKE
That’s enough speaking lines from you now. You might make people uncomfortable.

**MARA JADE WALKS AWAY. THE CAMERA LINGERS ON HER ASS AND LEGS LIKE MICHAEL BAY DIRECTED THAT BIT**

REY
Now what do we do?

LUKE
We fight. That’s what Jedi do. They’re the Guardians of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy™ and we also fight with lightsabers. Isn’t that right… OBI ONE?!

**OBI-WAN KENOBI’s FORCE GHOST APPEARS. BUT HE’S YOUNG AND PLAYED BY A DE-AGED EWAN MCGREGOR BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT WORKS.**

OBI WAN
Yes, of course. You must fight to prove yourself.

**LUKE DRAWS HIS GREEN LIGHTSABER AND REY IGNITES HERS. THEY CLASH SEVERAL TIMES AND LUKE BACK-FLIPS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND IT’S TOTALLY SUPER-AWESOME.**

REY
Please stop. I can’t defeat you!

LUKE
That’s because you’re a girl.

**THEY FIGHT**

**THEY FIGHT SOME MORE**

**THE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY TEAM CAN FILL IN THE NEXT TEN, TWENTY, WHATEVER MINUTES**

———–
SCENE TWO – ON BOARD A SHIP

**A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE BOBA FETT FROM THE PREQUELS WALKS INTO A ROOM AND MEETS POE DAMERON**

POE
Finn!

FINN
Yes, I am Finn.

POE
I’m pleased to see you and would like to remind you that you ARE AND ALWAYS WERE A CLONE and not some nig… erm, you know.

**FINN CONTINUES TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE BOBA FETT FROM THE PREQUELS**

FINN
Yes. Isn’t it great that we’re manly alpha dude-bros.

**LEIA WALKS IN WEARING A CHAINMAIL BIKINI. THE CAMERA DOESN’T LINGER ON HER BECAUSE EEEEEEWW OLD PEOPLE ARE GROSS!!**

LEIA
Gentlemen.

POE
So I hear you’ve retired from being a general. And I hear that outfit is more comfortable than everything else you’ve been wearing.

LEIA
Yes.

FINN
Now you’re not a general. I hear you’ve transferred all power to Poe, who is now in charge of everything. He needs to be told of all plans.

LEIA
Yes.

POE
Don’t go using any force powers, now! Don’t forget you’re not actually a Jedi and only Jedi can use the Force.

**LEIA LEAVES**

—–

SCENE 3 – DAY

** LUKE IS EXPLAINING EVERYTHING TO REY **

REY
How do you know so much about the Force?

LUKE
When it came to my research, I never took any shortcuts. Over the past five years, I’d worked my way down the entire recommended reading list. The Lost Tribe of the Sith, Dawn of the Jedi, Tales of the Jedi, The Old Republic, Darth Bane, Legacy of the Jedi, Shatterpoint, The Cestus Deception. I read every novel by every single author and I didn’t stop there.

If it was one of Yoda’s favorites, like Rogue One, Empire Strikes Back, The Wrath of Khan I rewatched it until I knew every scene by heart.

I spent three months studying every episode of Rebels and memorizing all the key lines of dialogue. Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive. You could say I covered all the bases.

I wasn’t going to cut any corners. I wasn’t going to miss something obvious. I wasn’t some dilettante. I wasn’t screwing around.

You’d be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever. Twelve hours a day, seven days a week, is a lot of study time.

REY
You’re so cool and totally get everything this franchise is about!

—–
SCENE FOUR – INTERIOR OF SOME KICKASS MEGA-STAR-DESTROYER

SNOKE
Enter, Kyo Ren.

**KYLO REN ENTERS. HE HAS GROWN A BEARD TO MAKE HIM LOOK LESS GAY.**

SNOKE
Did I ever tell you the story of how I came to be here, and who I am and who I was?

KYLO REN
But I thought the entire point of you was-

SNOKE
I was once called…

**SNOKE PAUSES**

KYLO REN
Oh Jesus…

SNOKE
Darth…

KYLO REN
Please stop.

SNOKE

**SNOKE PAUSES**

SNOKE
TARKIN!

KYLO REN
I hate everything even more now.

 

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