What I would say to creationists if I was more of a dick

Remember… You may not be able to “fix” stupid, but you sure can hit it with a bat until you feel better.

The title says it all, really. This is what I would say to creationists if I were more of a dick. I would say it to their faces, email it to them, drop it on every comment on every blog. Yet, alas, my confidence wanes and I simply cannot bring myself to be this impolite in person. I have a particular standard to uphold; one that avoids pointless personal attacks, egregious insults, or foul-mouthed idiocy of my own. I want to avoid being that snooty asshole who shouts and screams and makes witty but unfortunately content-free remarks, even if it gets me the adoration of the “evolutionists” and “atheistists” around me. Okay, so I’m occasionally snide-as-all-fuck, but I try to at least keep it on topic.

But… a constant barrage of insults, bad arguments, accusations of endorsing racism and outright absurd remarks that cease to even begin to understand the simplest basic fundamentals of science itself, all takes its toll. One can snap. I apologise if any of this sounds exceptionally snooty to non-creationists, but frankly that’s the effect I’m after. Here, I have a safe space to vent. So, I am putting my “dick cap” on; a whopping great big 12 inch dildo is being strapped on to my head and it’s ready to fuck. If you’re easily offended, please don’t read this and then complain. Don’t be that much of an idiot, I beg of you. You have been warned.

(As this is still ticking over with quite a lot of Facebook/Google+ views, I want to drop a memo that there’s a follow up post that answers most points that have been raised and save you the trouble of looking like an idiot in a comments section somewhere)

Here it is.

Dear Creationists,

You are stupid.

Genuinely stupid.

By every conceivable metric that we can assess intelligence, intellect, mental ability, reasoning and sense, you’re stupid. Even the very ability to string words together in coherent ways, you’re stupid. You fail at all of this. You are fucking stupid. There is no way of getting out of this accusation; it is as close to an absolute, proven fact, that an honest assessment of the situation can get.

Not ignorant; no, that’s something else. Ignorance is merely the lack of knowledge. That’s fine. I cannot blame someone for merely not knowing some random piece of shit, or not being exposed to information. You don’t get a choice in ignorance and merely not knowing. For a start, you’re born ignorant of everything in the entire world. New born babies don’t even know what things in the world are part of their own fucking bodies and what things aren’t – they really do have to learn this for themselves. So, no, you’re not just ignorant because if you were, I wouldn’t be here writing this.

No, this is something fucking different, far fucking worse. What you stand not only accused of, but proven guilty of, shits and pisses all over the innocence of simple ignorance and goes into the dark territory of deceit and fucking lies. This is wilful ignorance. This is prideful ignorance. You take your fucking ignorance and wave it around at every opportunity to say “hey, look at me, I’m so fucking stupid” and expect people to give you some kind of shit-hot respect for it.

Do I want to blame you for it? When your elders, and priests, and preachers, and the unqualified crank pseudo-scientific quasi-philosophers they get to back them up, have all conspired to brainwash you into thinking this is a good thing? Yes, I fucking do. You have made a choice to stay ignorant, and be happy with it. You’re a fucking idiot, and you damn well know it.  You’re probably a right-wing homophobic little shit as well, so probably think being gay is a choice. So here’s one for you; being a fucking fruit-loop imbecile is a choice, a choice you made when you decided that thinking was too much fucking effort and just let some cockend from Answers in Genesis do it for you.

"We don't see ants coming out of peanut butter, therefore evolution is wrong." - you're a bunch of fucking idiots.

“I tried opening this peanut butter jar, and I accidentally got my penis trapped in a lettuce instead.”

You know it. You know it, and you Just. Don’t. Fucking. Care.

Why do I bother with you? Just why? Why do I drag myself down to that sort of level? I continually drag myself down to the level of creationist cock-ends but just can’t figure out why.

Let’s look at some clear facts here.

I have a fucking masters degree. I took four years out of my life learning quantum mechanics; management; nuclear physics; organic, inorganic, analytical, green, environmental, atmospheric chemistry; mathematics; and a fuck-ton of life skills and problem solving skills possessed by a tiny fraction of people. Oh yes, now that’s some fucking catharsis right there.

I can write, I can draw, I can play and compose music, and I can program a computer to do a little fucking jig.  Importantly, I know the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re” – and fuck knows that’s a rare skill. I can do most of that without getting my cock trapped in a blender, too. I’m even nice on occasion and, if I try, even likeable. I’m just going to blow a trumpet and say I have most talents bar singing (le sigh).

I wrote a whopping four-hundred-fucking-page book to get a doctorate. It’s sat there on a table right now, all bound and shiny with gold letters and my name on it, looking thick enough to bludgeon someone to death with. To get that far, I was locked in a room with two experts who read it and who spent nearly three hours ripping it to shreds and finding any excuse they could not to give the final award to me. At the end of it all, half a dozen people with the same level of qualification and beyond have all conspired to say “you’re good enough to be one of us”. I fucking starved. I fucking wrote ’til I dropped. I stayed up late and got up early. All to get that. And as blasé and modest as I try to come across in public, I wouldn’t have done any of that if I didn’t think it was all worth it.

And I’ve taught students. People even better than me, who have fought their way through the same shit and more, have said I’m good enough to be their proxy or their replacement to teach the next generation. I’m actively passing on knowledge, whether established or cutting edge, to students who one day will grow up to be the next me. Some days I hate those little shits, but to be fair to them, one day a good chunk of them will also be locked in that room with a pair of experts, shitting themselves and wanting to all go away. They will come out of it alive, as One Of Us, and they will fucking well deserve every bit of it. I am a cog in that academic and scientific machine, and damn well proud of it.

In short, I’m smart. I’m intelligent. I’m rational. I’m reasonable. I’m “brainy” as fuck as some might want to put it and have the paper to prove it. By every conceivable metric, I am at the top of the grey matter tree. In pleasant company, of course, but it’s still spacious at the top. If I believed in the absoluteness of the IQ test, I’d be bragging my ass off about being in the 98th percentile (I dunno, actually, last time I took one I was, like, 15 – who gives  a shit?).

That’s me.

"There are no transitional forms. There are no transitional forms. There are no transitional forms." - This is the face of stupidity, the kind of stupidity there is no excuse for outside of having your brain removed.

“There are no transitional forms. There are no transitional forms. There are no transitional forms.” – This is the face of stupidity, the kind of stupidity there is no excuse for outside of having your brain removed.

You, however, as someone who thinks the planet magically poofed into existence 6,000 fucking years ago, you’re at the bottom of that tree. Right down there in the grim dark bottom amongst the detritus, the worms and things that couldn’t even pull on a fucking pair of trousers without falling arse-over-tit to the floor. I may well be in the 98th percentile or wherever, but you, you dumb fuck, wouldn’t even know what “percentile” means without Google – which, by the way, has been built by the kind of people who know what “percentile” means without using Google. Because they had to have some way of knowing what it meant before they fucking built the thing – since you, you dumbfuck imbecile, need every little fucking thing explained to you in small words that don’t tax your brain too hard. Got that one? Need it dumbed down further? Fuck off.

You, because you manage to be mentally retarded in such a way that it’s actually offensive to those with genuine learning difficulties, couldn’t fucking understand the mere basics of anything I could possibly teach you about anything. Chemistry, biology or physics; it’d be all like fucking magic to you, and all the research and understanding would be like something that just happens to other people. Even the fucking basics of logic, or language, or how to frame an argument, or what evidence is, or why it’s important, or how science even works would be something beyond your tiny brain to fathom for even a second. Hell, the hurdles I would have to leap just to get you people to the point of discussing actual evolutionary biology, or actual geology, or actual radiometric dating would require me to type thousands of words, spend months of my life and back-up to the basics of how if you have two beans and then two more beans you have “some beans”. We’re talking some seriously fucking basic shit, here, that I’d have to cover first.

"The Grand Canyon could have formed in about five minutes" - in your fantasy world were physics doesn't exist.

“The Grand Canyon could have formed in about five minutes” – in your fantasy world were physics doesn’t exist.

And after all that effort and time and even sincere attempts to get your fucking brain to learn something, it still wouldn’t be worth it. You would ignore it anyway. You’d just let it go in one ear and out of the fucking other as if the squishy shit between them that others take for granted was just a gloopy transparent mess for you. You wouldn’t even address the fucking basics of what I could tell you. I could try to exemplify every nuance, meaning and deconstruction of, say, the phrase “evolution is a religion”, and you’d zone out as soon as I broke into fucking polysyllabic words and then, just as a little bit of drool came out, you’d say “but evolution is just a religion”. It’s all just fucking voodoo shit to you, something you’re actively scared of and don’t want to understand. You’ve rendered yourself physically incapable of understanding and basic comprehension and so I find myself almost constantly, every time I see one of you dumb shits opening your fucking mouths, struggling not to outright scream from the rooftops shouting “Fuck. This. Shit!”. Every single word in this extensive rant has been compressed in my head into a single thought; a thought that fires in my brain every time I see you slack-jawed fuck-tards speak, or type, or even making a motion to open your mouths or put fingers to a keyboard.

You sit and worship people like Kent Hovind, whose entire thesis wouldn’t even count as a winning entry in NaNoWriMo (which requires 50,000 words in a month) and has a Flesch reading age of a pre-teen (by contrast, the Flesch-Kincade reading complexity for my own thesis goes to the part of the scale where “reading age” stops being a meaningful concept, and a single chapter is larger than Kent Hovind’s entire derp-fest, and there’s fucking diagrams to boot – fucking suck it). Or you shout “amen” after every little tiny piece of faeces that oozes out of the mouth of Ray Comfort – a man, lest we forget, who thinks the word “bibliophile” is a fucking insult derived from “paedophile”. These aren’t just people amongst your ranks, these are your fucking experts. Your fucking experts can’t even wrap their heads around the simple shit understood by even the amateurish of Internet Atheists or pop-science enthusiasts. Hell, I know people who would faint at the sight of an integral, but hey, that shit ain’t for everyone and they’re still fucking smarter than you, since they’re not so stupid as to think evolution requires goldfish giving birth to zebras.

"Hello, my name is Kent Hovind." - Opening sentence of Kent Hovind's "doctoral" dissertation. "The C-H and H-H bonds are two of the most neglected structures in classical chemistry, despite the fact that the C--H bond is ubiquitous in organic compounds and dihydrogen is one of the most common substances in the universe" - the opening sentence of mine.

“Hello, my name is Kent Hovind.” – Opening sentence of Kent Hovind’s doctoral dissertation.
“The C-H and H-H bonds are two of the most neglected structures in classical chemistry, despite the fact that the C-H bond is ubiquitous in organic compounds and dihydrogen is one of the most common substances in the universe” – the opening sentence of mine.

You repeat mantras that have been refuted countless times. “Evolution is a religion!” “How do you know? Were you there?” “If we evolved from monkeys, how come there are still monkeys?” What the fuck do these things even mean? Really, it proves nothing. I means nothing. It’s bollocks, the lot of it.

Even if you ever get around to addressing any of the countless refutations to this simplistic fucking bullshit, all you can ever come up with is restating the point again, or whining about some other pathetic and irrelevant detail, or – and with fucking depressing regularity – spouting some bullshit about how people like me are suppressing your freedom. You know what? Go fucking jump off a bridge, and test your freedom to not believe in gravity. Literally, go do that now. I’ll wait.

I’m not even going to bother with refuting any examples here or going into specifics about evolution myself. I’m breaking plenty of my usual rules about dealing with you stupid-as-fuck individuals already, so I’m going to break another and tell you to do your own simple cursory fucking research on this. Not that you’d manage that, as anything you ever cite must always come from an approved source like “CreationWiki” – a site, may I add, that actively makes a point, and a proud point at that, of stifling any potential disagreement by not allowing any edit that is “pro” evolution. Do you see that bullshit on skeptic or “evolutionist” websites?

Target demographic; white Christian males, somewhere between the ages of 35 and 42.

Target demographic; white Christian males, somewhere between the ages of 35 and 42.

No. You fucking don’t.

You want to know why? Because we want the world to see the best you dumb-fucktarded intellectual rejects have come up with, in all their mundanely pathetic glory, just so everyone can see how fucking terrible each and every one of your so-called “arguments” are. Sometimes, we don’t even bother responding, we just quote you verbatim (that means “unaltered” (which means “we didn’t change it” (ooh, look, nested parentheses (that means “brackets”) I bet that’s blown your tiny fucking mind))) because even casual scrutiny makes your points look terrible; and frankly, a full refutation just isn’t worth the fucking effort. Not because we can’t, but because – as I said above – I’d practically have to teach you the English Fucking Language from scratch to point out the flaws.

You, who thinks a fucking single man and rib-clone woman and their two sons populated the entire earth without any freaking-frakking-fucking incest occurring because “hey, don’t ask awkward questions”, hold in high regard people who aren’t even worthy of pissing in the academic shadow of people like me. So where does that place you in that pecking order? You intentionally refuse to understand simple things; like how irrelevant evolution by natural selection is to abiogenesis; like the fact that “macro” and “micro” evolution are just things you made up (at least in the way you morons use those terms); or like how natural selection has nothing at all to do with eugenics. It’s all OH-YOUR-FUCKING-GOD-IT’S-HITLER all the fucking time. I mean, seriously, you intentionally avoid learning. You avoid understanding. You actively train yourself to not understand and you fucking revel in all this. You memorise your silly little one-sentence replies that mean sweet fuck all, and, by some magic, expect educated people like me to bow down to your right of free expression; well this here is my “free expression” in response you fucking lunatic, you’ve damn well driven me to it over the years.

You have no intellectual rights to this “debate” at all because you cannot even speak the language it requires. Even worse, you seem to think this actually qualifies you more.

How the fuck does that logic work?

"Have you ever told a lie?" - evidently selectively editing your interviews, re-recording questions to replace the context of the answers, or pretending that your most embarrassing moment had "always" been satire really, doesn't count.

“Have you ever told a lie?” – selectively editing your interviews, re-recording questions to replace the context of the answers, or pretending that your most embarrassing moment had “always” been satire really, doesn’t count.

Hint; it fucking doesn’t. It never will.

Get with the fucking programme already; if you cannot comprehend basic facts, you cannot expect to be invited to the debating table as an equal. It’s like you’re coming into a boardroom, full of people with projections and presentations and graphs and calculations, and then you start smearing the table in bullshit (actual shit, actual bull’s shit) and rolling around in it, flinging it at people, painting the window with it, flailing your arms up and down to make a little bullshit angel in the faeces-strewn floor, and then standing up to shout “Ta-da! Give me a Nobel Prize”.  You’re not my academic equal. In terms of intelligence and knowledge you’re fucking scum rotting at the bottom of a dark and forgotten barrel while I’m basking in the sun. I would love, genuinely love, to help raise you up to being on my level. I would love it. But you wouldn’t listen. That’s not really a prediction, it’s experience. I’ve seen you fucks talk under a Ray Comfort Facebook update. You just don’t listen. It’s a fact. I would tell you to read X, Y and Z. Hell, I’d even write my own summary of X, Y and Z, but you wouldn’t listen or even care. It would fall on intentionally deaf ears. As I said earlier, you’re not merely ignorant, you’re fucking wilfully ignorant.

Le sigh

But you know what the worst thing is?

The worst part is that some creationist out there, probably you because it’s being addressed to you, is probably going to find this rant and say “oh look at the little evolutionist, running out of points and resorting to insults”. Well fuck off.  Fuck the fuck off. Fucking fuck the fucking fuck off. Lube up some vegetables in your own bullshit and cram it. You think this is my attempt to prove you wrong?

No. Not at all.

It's funny because it's true.

It’s funny because it’s true.

This is my attempt to insult you.

This is my attempt to degrade and belittle you, your beliefs and your reasons all in one. They’ve already been shown to be wrong. I don’t need to add to that. It’s done, it’s dusted – there is no fucking debate you morons. The world ain’t 6,000 years old, women weren’t made from ribs, dinosaurs didn’t go onto a big boat to escape a flood, and natural selection doesn’t mean bacteria turning into chickens in a Petri dish overnight so that Hitler could kill Jews. You lost this good and hard the day science started digging through the geological column. If you want to complain that I’ve ran out of legitimate responses by writing this, then that just proves every single point that I’m making in this profanity ridden rant; that you don’t fucking listen, and are even proud of the fact that you’ve left yourself bereft of the ability to do so.

You’re not stupid because you believe the world appeared out of nowhere sometime more recently than the domestication of the dog – and no, I’m not going to tentatively say something like “evidence suggests that” it’s more recent than the domestication of the dog. No, it’s a Fucking Fact that the dog became domesticated in the tens of thousands of years ago. I don’t really give much of a shit that you believe it, that doesn’t concern me. You’re a fucking shit-faced idiot because of why you believe it. If you haven’t got the gist of this already; you’re proud of being stupid, you actively refuse to learn, you don’t examine anything critically, you fall for any piece-of-shit “evidence” your masters tell you. You don’t question them. You don’t realise they’re just out there wanting to keep you stupid, to keep you ignorant and to keep you not wanting to learn about the universe from sources that actually took the time to look at the universe. They want to keep you that way because you buy into their shit, with money. Your actual hard-earned money. You actually value these people with your working time. You go out, slog away in some backwater burger-flipping hell hole and actually give part of your monetary reward to people who want to keep you stupid. That’s galling to the rest of us who have a working and fully functioning brain that we deign to actually use.

You pay them. You donate to them. You buy their books and DVDs that they produce for fuck-all money and sell at a premium. Seriously, how much money does it cost Ray Comfort to show up to a college campus with a cheap camcorder to make one of his derp fests? Fuck all. Yet you’ll pay him $15 plus postage for the privilege of sucking his cock and reassuring yourselves over it – meanwhile he practically fucking swims in cash. Your cash. And it’ll keep going because he wants you to be stupid. Follow the fucking money, right? It’s in their best interests to trick and con you’ wake the fuck up to it.

You show this crap to your kids so they grow up stupid and buy more DVDs and books by the Comforts and the Hovinds and the Hams and the Gishes of this world. You show them Jesus riding a fucking dinosaur and pictures of Noah mucking out a boat that’s chock-full of animals that somehow managed to survive and reproduce to form every living thing we see on the planet in a geological blink of an eye (breathe…) and you think this is right? You don’t think this is the most ridiculous idea in the world? If it wasn’t for the coincidental fact that you’re backed by a non-falsifiable belief shared by a significant proportion of the population, you would actually be declared clinically insane. No fucking joke here, there are actually people with more coherent and rational beliefs in their head being secured in mental health wards.

Despite being as embedded as you possibly can in the evidence for it, you don’t realise that there’s an entire industry that makes a fortune from retarding your ability to think. You accept this, and refuse to actually exercise your innate abilities to think, question and explore so long as you say the magic words “but I am thinking, questioning and exploring”. No you’re fucking not. If you were, you’d be in my position. You, too, would find yourself locked in a room, actively battling and fighting with people tearing your ideas apart and demanding that you defend them and stand by them and justify every single thing you say. But you’re not. You never will be. Though, let’s be fair to the non-doctorate holding, non-creationists reading this for a brief moment; you don’t even have to be in that position of getting an academic qualification, you just want to be in the position where you’re willing to explore, and learn, and discuss and adapt. You don’t have to have any pieces of paper to be my equal; you just have to have the curiosity and a bit of genuine passion for learning. That alone more than qualifies you.

"The Tyrannosaurus Rex was created to eat plants" - the only reason AiG employs Paul Taylor is because his vaguely English accent makes him sound sophisticated next to Eric Hovind. It can't possibly because he has a functioning cortext.

“The Tyrannosaurus Rex was created to eat plants” – the only reason Creation Today employs Paul Taylor is because his vaguely English accent makes him sound sophisticated next to Eric Hovind. It can’t possibly because he has a functioning cortex.

Creationists, on the other hand, they refuse even that… and worse they think it’s a good thing.

There are a lot of people I think are stupid. Really fucking stupid. I mean, you might think it’s a long way down to the shops, but that’s peanuts compared to this stupid. There are people who think the World Trade Centre wasn’t hit by planes, but by holograms. There are people who think the skies are filled with mind-altering chemicals that can be dispersed – from miles away, no less – by spraying vinegar in the air. There are people who think we’re not being faced with a potential disaster of epic proportions because of how our society has polluted the planet. There are people who think vaccines cause autism and will find any old piece-of-shit evidence to prove it no matter how many times even the mere correlation is disproved. There is serious fucking stupid out there in the wide, dark and idiotic world.

But creationism is something else. It has that industry supporting it and perpetuating it, and it has people who buy into it so willingly. And you, because you think that everything came from nothing in a fucking click of a magic man’s fingers, are part of this. You’re out there derping on daily about something that we, using the entire knowledge collectively gathered by the human race, know is a lie. Honestly, though, you probably think it’s a lie too – but you’re both too damn proud of yourself and too damn proud of your stupidity to admit it. That’s your problem. It’s not about fossils, or genetics, or radiometric dating, it’s about your unwillingness to learn and better yourself. And it always will be.

In conclusion. Fuck you. Go fuck yourself. And may the god you believe in have mercy on your pathetic, idiotic, morally and intellectually bankrupt soul.

420 thoughts on “What I would say to creationists if I was more of a dick

  1. Wow buddy! Did someone wolf down your last pop-tart, or what! And yeah, i’m happy for you that you’ve been given the common-grace of high intellectual achievement – though your vulgar language could cause the barflies over at [whereever’s] to blush / run for the door. As for your intellectual bullying of people who believe Genesis, nice try anyway ;) Sincerely, a six-day-twenty-four-hour creationist. Yep fella you read right. By the way, to claim evolution, makes the Lord Jesus a liar. Do you really want to mess with Him? Oh! You have no issue taking Him on? Really! Help yourself, i’m oudds here ;)

    • Wow susanbotchie! I don’t think most atheists worry much about any gods, not even the ones you like. Grant you, our esteemed author could use an editor to polish up the language a bit, but it isn’t hard to understand why he’s so irritated. Unless, of course, things like sixth-grade science are hard for you to understand. Oh wait… sorry about that.

  2. You don’t now how many times I’ve heard this rant from Evolutionists and Atheists. Really? Creationists are the morons? To me it’s much ado about nothing. The ONLY DIFFERENCE between an evolutionist and a Creationist is ‘origins’, two simple questions, who started it all and how did we get to today? That’s it. Evolution is a branch of Biology, it’s not all of Biology, much less ALL OF SCIENCE. It’s not even needed to understand science. I’ve taken University level General Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Anatomy and Physiology, Organic Chemistry and Advanced cell structure. I never, never, ever needed to fall back on the Evolutionary theory to understand or grasp the concepts. I was a hardcore Creationist all the way through premed and had no problems doing well in my classes. From your rant, you’d think Atheists were paving new paths in science every year. Yet, that’s not reality. 64.5% of all Nobel Laureates are CHRISTIAN. Yea, it is the ‘uneducated, ignorant, in-bred morons that DOMINATE SCIENCE in every field except Economics where we break even. The supposed ‘flat earth’ proponents have made the most significant and earth shattering scientific discoveries in the history of science. My question is simple. Where are these brilliant, rational, super atheist minds? Why aren’t they leading the way? Either the Nobel Committee is too obtuse to recognize ignorant, uneducated, inbred, moron science or Atheists and Evolutionists are self deluded. “The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God.”

    • Don’t you get it? No, obviously you don’t. And you lost any credibility to me when you used the term “evolutionist” unironically. Henceforth, you further my belief that creationists either are ignorant of science, or just stubbornly stupid.

      First of all, you need to develop some reading skills. This rant does not address Christians from the perspective of an atheist. Rather, it address creationists from the perspective of a scientist (to clear things up, “creation scientist” is an oxymoron). They are not one in the same; I know Christians that are smarter than I’ll ever be. However, even though I’m just a sophomore in college studying biology, I am nearly certain that I’m smarter right now than any lifelong creationist ever will be. Yeah, I mean that.

      And of course, you are blatantly wrong and mistaken when you attempt to link “evolutionists” and creationists with the conundrum “who (which is a dumb pronoun to begin with; who can offer a shred of evidence that a sentient being prompted “it all”?) started it all?” Therefore, I’m inferring that you A) didn’t pay attention in your biology courses, B) are lying about your credentials, C) took biology at a private school that teaches creationism. Evolution has nothing to do with biogenesis, abiogenesis, i.e. the origin of life and/or matter. Absolutely nothing. Evolution merely regards the process of how different species form from organisms over time. That’s it. It studies how the selective pressures from their environments weed out the ones with the traits that are not suitable for that environment. It studies the divergence and convergence of organisms that once were the same species, but no longer can reproduce with one another. And furthermore, as we’ve observed through numerous homologies, fossil records, and genetic makeup (just to name a few things), evolution /does/ answer how organisms formed over time to today. Evolution exists, my friend. We’ve even observed it /in action/ (See: Lenski’s long-term E Coli experiment); there’s no denying it unless you want to go down the conspiracy theory route.

      No, understanding evolution isn’t necessary to understand science. However, understanding science is necessary to understand evolution, and also to understand why creationism isn’t science. Why do you think creationism isn’t taught in the science classroom while evolution is? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not because of godless liberals. It’s because creationism is not science, and evolution is. Absolutely nothing in creationism is empirical. Absolutely no creationist hypothesis is falsifiable. Absolutely nothing regarding creationism can be tested with the scientific method. You didn’t learn the skills necessary be a scientist in premed, you just memorized facts and concepts.

      And finally, your statement about the Nobel laureates is absolutely dumb. Again, you’re trying to equate the terms “creationist” and “Christian.” They are not the same thing; henceforth you cannot believe that 65.1% of that demographic believes that modern day animals were created 6,000 years ago by god out of thin air. My guess is that, within the past 30 years, the amount of members sharing such a belief is somewhere around zero. (I chose 30 years because Nobel prizes began before 1900, where evolution was only recently postulated and taught in a vast majority of biology classrooms in universities/public schools.) tl;dr, creationist and Christian are not synonyms. And your cherry-picked, misleading, and misinterpreted statistic usage makes me infer that you are not qualified to be a scientist.

      There is no way one can simply think that “oh, evolution is just an alternative idea to creationism” and be perceived as a logical person by the academic community. The real difference between an “evolutionist” and a creationist is that the former are believing a logical fractal of biology, whereas the former are believing a religious doctrine. By any definition of “stupid” I’m familiar with, denying science due to faith is nothing more than fucking idiocy.

    • As a christian, everything you say has to be filtered through the “god did it” nonsenese. That makes anything you say instantly suspect.

      BTW, if yu are so “educated” (pre-med?) why can’t you learn to use paragraphs? Or is it “god didn’t need then, neither do I?”

      You are determined not to accept evolution, so you reject the thousands od pieces of evidence of it that are in museums, universities, and laboratories all over the world?

      As far as you Nobel Laureate BS, not all Nobel prizes are for science and the awards began before evolution was widely known. Like all christians, y99u have no problem distorting the truth and twisting facts to suit your sick agenda.

      When you’re caught in those deceptions and deficeincies, it makes all of your argument suspect.

    • Both as bad as each other?……………..Don’t see how, as they each promote a mutually exclusive world view that are the exact opposite of one another and have no common denominator. As such one of them will be more correct than the other. If expanded to include all of religion vs all of science in the form of the argument is there a God or not, then we can say for sure that one of these statements is true…there is either a God or there is not. Hence, one of these groups of people are wrong……….very wrong………in fact, they might just be as wrong as it is possible to be. Either The religionists (boooo) have wasted a large portion of the only lives they are going to get, talking to an imaginary deity. Or the atheists/scientists (yay) are going to rot in hell for all eternity. You can’t get much more different than that, both conceptually and actually. So not the same at all for me.

  3. This post is especially cherishable to me. I was born, raised, and am virtually stuck for the time being in the backwoods of South Carolina. I was raised by two young earth creationists that think global warming is a hoax created by the government to “control the nation’s energy supply” (don’t ask; I don’t know what that is supposed to mean and neither do they.) I was forced to attend a Southern Methodist (which is just one step above Southern Baptist) church three times a week for seventeen years, and was forced to attend even after I renounced my indoctribated faith. Around here, the average citizen doesn’t even have a clue what the fuck evolution is (though, I have received some entertaining replies after posing such a question.) This state constantly, in spite of federal rulings, tries to include creationism in the biological curriculum. It tries its damn hardest to pose the pseudoscience as actual science, and it’s scary how close they come. I’m not sure where you’re from, exactly, but those stereotypical biblical literalists that smoke cigarettes, fly the Dixie flag, call Obama a “Mooslim” and don’t know much other than how to do blue-collar work? They exist, and I have been surrounded by them for two decades.

    So, thanks, because this rant is indescribably cathartic. I would love to plaster it over Bob Jones University (which I grew up ten minutes away from,) but I’m convinced their top “academics” would be able to comprehend it. They would probably mutter something along the lines of “war on Christianity”.

  4. My computer crashed. Most of the important stuff was backed up, but i lost all my bookmarks, Amongst those bookmarks was this profound and inspiring rant, a rant that has never failed to brighten even the dreariest of days. I was devastated, i had no idea what the original source of “The Rant” was or who authored it, but i searched, in vain. I searched ‘atheist rants, funny atheists rants, rants about christians, rants by atheists” and a plethora of other permutations. Finally, in moment of rare and fleeting lucidity, it occurred to me that the the simplest way to locate ‘The Rant’ would be to search a specific quote or combination of words and hope this would lead me safely back into the fold. This plan was far from foolproof as very nature of ‘The Rant’ makes it difficult to actually memorize verbatim passages. It was at this juncture that the ghost of my high school chemistry teacher manifested itself and whispered the magic words in my ear and provided the necessary search parameter to cast out the ennui that had settled into my life. The verbatim passage i eventually searched was “The C-H and H-H bonds are two of the most neglected structures in classical chemistry, despite the fact that the C-H bond is ubiquitous in organic compounds” and that is how i found my way home. it’s good to be home, thank you.

      • That is actually how I found this wonderfully cathartic blog. Feeling frustrated after reading a piece of utter idiocy by a creationist (is there any other piece they write?), I googled “creationists are idiots” and here I am.

  5. For what it’s worth, I thought the caption “‘Ants won’t come out of this jar of peanut butter, therefore evolution doesn’t exist.’ Yeah, you’re fucking idiots,” or whatever, was funnier. It pretty much captures the non sequitur logic creationists use in virtually all of there arguments. Even the creation “scientists” use this same logic, but just dress it up as science to look like they know what they’re talking about.

  6. ‘You will believe what you want to believe because it makes you feel better about being poor white trash and even superior to people who are actually educated ‘ That was priceless!

  7. It isn’t only “Willful Ignorance” a term I often use but also “Stubborn Stupidity”.

    My favorite question to creationists, posed in different forms is, “How do you know?” I usually demand that they show proof of their claims and remind then that there are thousands of pieces of evidence for evolution in museums, universities, and laboratories all over the world. There is not a single piece of evidence anywhere for creationism. It pays to remind them that their personal likes and dislikes or not proof or disproof of anything.

    Independently verifiable proof by objective, even skeptical persons is required. Bible verses are proof of nothing but their own gullibility.

    When they fall back on, “You must have faith,” I throw the bullshit flag and point out that faith, like beliefs, is accepting as true that for which there is no supporting evidence and possibly even much evidence against it. Then I ask, how intelligent is that?

    As a final point, I remind them that ignoring simple requests for proof or to answer direct questions only shows that they are cowards, intellectually and ethically.

  8. Thank you for writing down every thought I have ever had about these idiots. Every time I get fed up or annoyed with ignorance I witness in person or online, I just read this. It never fails to make me laugh. Well done, sir!

  9. All your use of the F word does is make you look ignorant yourself and likely to be dismissed as unimportant. And how can you believe sience? Science consists of a collection of falsifiable theories. Any of them could be refuted someday by some experiment. Evolution, relativity, string theory, big bang, all of it could be just wrong. No matter how many experiments agree with your theories, they are never finally settled. Yes, you can believe science, just like you can believe a religion. But how can you believe in it with 100% certainty and an arrogant sure-of-yourself attitude is beyond me. And since you cannot be sure of any theory you have been taught to believe by professors, then you are in no position to correct someone else who believes a different theory that includes existence of God, heaven and hell. To do so with the arrogance and insults you use is ludicrous.

    • Your problem there is that you have an incorrect idea in your head about how science develops and advances its theories. This “right/wrong” dichotomy is a false one – science is about developing conceptual formal models that thoroughly explain observations, not simply making stuff up that is so flimsy that it could be dismissed entirely. New observations can cause existing theories to adapt, but they won’t overrule previous observations. No new observation, for example, is going to alter atomic theory to say that an atom is actually a 10m wide purple elephant – as your naive “everything could be disproved” stance would suggest. We can be very sure of certain things, and we know where our limits are. The advent of relativistic physics didn’t stop force equalling mass multiplied by acceleration, and the advent of quantum mechanics didn’t undo what we know of chemistry.

      But we can know what isn’t true with significantly more confidence. Just as I know that an atom emphatically isn’t 10 metres wide and elephant shaped, I know the world didn’t poof into existence 6,000 years ago. No observations are consistent with it. The theory itself is hardly even internally coherent. Young-earth creationism is one of those theories that has been thoroughly falsified – we simply know that it isn’t true. By contrast, evolutionary biology and modern cosmology are both coherent and consistent, and supported by evidence and current observations. If new observations come along, they can’t be the kind that throws out evolution in favour of a 6,000 year old earth because that would overturn everything we know now and have observed. The universe would literally have to retcon itself for that to work.

    • “All your use of the F word does is make you look ignorant yourself and likely to be dismissed as unimportant.” — Only to someone who is seeking an excuse to dismiss him in the first place.

      “And how can you believe sience? Science consists of a collection of falsifiable theories.” — That is EXACTLY why we _ACCEPT_ science (we do not “believe” science).

      “Any of them could be refuted someday by some experiment.” — Yes, you are correct. Science is self-correcting, which is why it is so reliable and trustworthy. A concept that can’t be falsifiable is, by it’s very definition, a delusional belief.

      “Evolution, relativity, string theory, big bang, all of it could be just wrong.” — Yes, so all you have to do is produce any evidence that they actually _ARE_ wrong and they will be dismissed.

      “No matter how many experiments agree with your theories, they are never finally settled.” — Which is the biggest strength of science. The fact that we don’t consider anything a dogma, to be believed without question, makes what we CAN prove that much more believable. All religious beliefs are the opposite; the fact that they HAVE to be believed DESPITE the evidence against them makes them nonsensical and irrational.

      “Yes, you can believe science, just like you can believe a religion.” — No, a person can ACCEPT science based on the objective, observable, testable, falsifiable evidence. As I stated above, this is the exact opposite of religion.

      “But how can you believe in it with 100% certainty and an arrogant sure-of-yourself attitude is beyond me.” — Because we are NOT 100% certain OR arrogant. That honor goes to the people who believe religious dogma over objective facts. It is not arrogance to accept something based on evidence, but it certainly IS arrogance to believe that any fairy tale that you happen to want to believe must be true.

      “And since you cannot be sure of any theory you have been taught to believe by professors,” — Actually we CAN be sure of scientific theories. You are (probably purposefully)
      confusing surety with 100% certainty. This is a major mistake. To accept something as being beyond reasonable doubt is not a weakness. Accepting something when there is a massive amount of reasonable doubt (religion) is.

      “then you are in no position to correct someone else who believes a different theory that includes existence of God, heaven and hell.” — Actually, we are. It’s called LOGIC. However, you are (once again) entirely missing the point. We don’t care what you believe. You can believe a purple gnome is living in your anus for all we care. But when you assert self-contradictory, irrational, nonsensical fairy tales as fact in public and expect other people to believe them, we are fully within our rights (and social obligations) to call you on your bullshit. Believe what you want, but don’t you dare try to force your delusional superstitions on the rest of us.

      “To do so with the arrogance and insults you use is ludicrous.” — This is hypocritical and ironic. You have no idea how the scientific method works, nor any idea how certain we are of any scientific theories or principles, and yet you have the arrogance to think you can assert wild conjecture to dispute them. You obviously have no idea how to apply critical or rational thinking, and yet you are so conceited you think you can dictate to others how they use these skills. You are so self-absorbed that you think you can come into someone else’s house and “school” them on how they present their arguments. And, out of all that, you think you can call someone else “arrogant”. I’m not even sure you understand what the word means. I think that someone called _YOU_ arrogant and you took it as a slight so you’ve decided to throw that word around every time you want to insult someone. If ignorance is bliss, you must be one of the happiest people on earth.

    • If you are so distracted by ‘swear words’ why don’t you copy and paste the post into notepad and use the replace word function to instantly get rid of or alter all the ‘naughty’ words your frail constitution can’t cope with. That way you will be able to re-read the post and properly absorb the information your world view is so badly lacking.

  10. Wow another brilliant response and obviously no answer to my questions which are clearly legible! Another prime example of stupidity and ignorance in scientific research which is backed by nothing!

    • What part of

      “About the Adam and Eve comment regarding all of humanity came from them and incest, that’s obsurd for you to say all that being that even if your in recognizable theories are true who was the first man?”

      Is supposed to be legible?

    • I’m guessing that you are talking about these “statements”, so I’m going to try to decipher them as best I can and try to answer you:

      “who was the first man? First woman?” — This question doesn’t even make sense. Anatomically modern humans first appear in the fossil record in Africa about 195,000 years ago. We have clear fossil records showing this. We also have clear DNA evidence that proves exactly how our species migrated across the world.

      We also have clear fossil records showing several other branches of hominids that didn’t manage to survive.

      To ask this question, you have to be completely oblivious to how evolution and gene mutation works.

      “You think that everyone didn’t come from them?” — If you mean did everyone come from one man and one woman, no, they didn’t. We are the result of a gene mutation that propagated across a small, isolated group of hominids.

      “Or wait maybe just maybe there were 4 sets of humans or maybe monkeys” — No, that is not enough of a gene pool. If you knew even the slightest bit about what you are trying to argue again, you would know that. Again, this is proof that you wallow around in your own ignorance and can’t imagine the concept that reality doesn’t completely conform to your fantasies.

      “yet still in consideration of your theory let’s say amazingly 6 sets of monkeys and a pr of humans were the firsts ones” — Well, again, not 6. It had to be a larger group than that. But yes, they were monkeys. How do I know that? Because we are STILL monkeys.

      “but unfortunately we would never know because there’s no account of anything from 6 million years ago!” — Which is okay, since, again, our species didn’t appear until about 200,000 years ago. I have no idea where you got the “6 million year” figure. I suspect you are thinking (using the term VERY loosely) about our most recent common ancestor with the branch of primates that the chimpanzee evolved from. Again, there were many branches of hominids between that distant relative and us, with our particular branch only appearing, as I said earlier, about 200,000 years ago.

      All of this is backed by over a century of research and mountains of empirical data that proves beyond any reasonable or rational doubt exactly how our species came to be. If you have any evidence to the contrary, I am more than willing to evaluate it. But be warned, I do NOT accept “logical” arguments that are riddled with fallacies, speculation, supposition or wishful thinking. I do NOT accept emotional pleas based on you simply not wanting to be a monkey. I do not accept unsupported wild-assed, crazy conjecture. So, if you want to produce evidence, you should make sure that it is really “evidence” or I’m going to send you back to your cult with your tail between your legs.

  11. So you hold a fancy degree and wrote a 400 page book, (yeah, tell me anything) . My question is, why all the anger and use of foul language, over and over again? Intimidation tactic??? Fella, it’s not working. Sincerely, a six-day Creationist, who holds an entry-level job and did not go to college. Yep, you read right – you see, i do not give a rip what unregenerate people think of me as a person. Nice try anyway, :)

    • Since you did ask, it’s intentionally playing an over the top character. There is no real anger there – much like how Jack Gleeson doesn’t actually shoot women with crossbows and Peter Capaldi doesn’t actually throw people up against walls. But if you’d like to understand the frustration scientists have with creationists, answer this simple question: If the world was created in 6 days, why did Jesus endorse raping small children?

      What? You’re saying that Jesus never did such a thing? Well, that’s just your worldview, obviously if you can’t see it you’re a degenerate immoral person. And but of course those two things follow each other! It’s the obvious question to ask. Why are you now evading the question? Why did Jesus endorse raping small children? Jesus totally did that. You might think otherwise, but you’d be wrong – look, it says so right here in my book. Oh, so you think the world was created in 6 days? You must like to rape children, too!

      Does that sound bad? That’s pretty much what talking to a young-earth-creationist or ID advocate about evolution or geology is like. There is no understanding of the actual topic they’re opposed to. Now, I have no idea why you’re a literal creationist, I won’t make too many leaps. Perhaps you’re just culturally pressured into merely saying it and don’t actually believe it in a meaningful expectation-of-reality sense; or perhaps you think “if we evolved from monkeys, how come there are still monkeys?”. It could be anything. But I’m willing to go out on a limb and assume that it has nothing to do with understanding an actual real version of the scientific method, or the theories developed through it – either because you didn’t bother to absorb that information or because you never dived into a version that wasn’t first filtered through the mouth of someone like Hovind or Comfort or Gish to intentionally make it unintelligible, and to render it nothing but a mis-represented straw man designed specifically to make you not understand.

      But perhaps you think that’s fine, and it’s okay, and opinions that that based on a shockingly bad misinterpretation of pretty much all science ever are equal to opinions based around years or even decades of study and research by people with a vested interest not in preserving one belief, but being right – in which case why did Jesus endorse raping small children?

    • @sue – “So you hold a fancy degree and wrote a 400 page book, (yeah, tell me anything).” — Yes, how dare someone who is educated try to teach someone intent on self-imposed ignorance anything?

      “My question is, why all the anger and use of foul language, over and over again?” — Funny, if you had actually read the post with an open mind, he thoroughly and completely explained exactly why he used such language and why all the anger.

      “Intimidation tactic??? Fella, it’s not working.” — It’s not working because that’s not what it was about. The ignorance is strong in this one.

      “Sincerely, a six-day Creationist, who holds an entry-level job and did not go to college.” — That explains a lot; someone who disdains education and is proud of being ignorant on several levels.

      “Yep, you read right – you see, i do not give a rip what unregenerate people think of me as a person.” — Really? Then what are you doing here? Trolling for something to bitch about? You can’t support your beliefs so the next best thing is to whine and bitch at people who don’t accept them? It’s clear you “don’t give a rip” about evidence, facts, or truth. You will believe what you want to believe because it makes you feel better about being poor white trash and even superior to people who are actually educated and seek out objective truth. And you actually admit this in public. Amazing.

      • ‘You will believe what you want to believe because it makes you feel better about being poor white trash and even superior to people who are actually educated’
        That was priceless!

        • Hmmm… not mad keen on merely dismissing people as “poor white trash”, though. If you go by background, I’m the UK equivalent of “poor white trash”, and it’s that kind of classist comment that really discourages us from ever going down an academic route because it makes you feel like you’re not allowed to belong in an academic environment. I’m perfectly happy to tear people down once they’ve firmly established a certain level of wilful ignorance, but it’s not worth the time to target those insults at anything but the personal, individual level and leave the broader nonsense out of it.


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