Constitutional Amendments Explained

Apparently, constitutional law is difficult to grasp – particularly with all those changes and amendments made to it over the last few hundred years. What does it all mean? What are you allowed and not allowed to do in America? So for others around the world all equally confused as to what it all means, I did some digging and decided to sum up for you. Here are the the quick fixes to the US Constitution in order:

  1. Right to be an absolute douche to everyone for no reason at all protected
  2. Right to be a paranoid idiot and murder people protected
  3. The government aren’t allowed to force people to shelter soldiers in peacetime, because of course it’s still 1782 out there and this is important
  4. Forces the police and judges to find new loopholes when arresting black people on drugs charges
  5. More legal stuff for the police to ignore
  6. As above
  7. Ditto, man these are just boring
  8. Stops cruel and unusual punishment, unless they’re black and you’re in the South, in which case do what you like to them
  9. Mainly there to confuse Fox News viewers with long words like “unenumerated”
  10. Sets out the Federal Government, giving libertarians something to whine about
  11. Holy crap, even Europeans, who live in the most bonkers “state-within-a-state-within-a-state” system don’t know why this is here
  12. Sets out how to elect the President, which can be ignored if you complain enough to a judge, apparently
  13. Renamed slavery to change it into the modern prison-industrial complex
  14. Provides equal protection to all wealthy, straight, white men, regardless of their status providing that they are wealthy, straight, white men
  15. Forces people to find cheeky loopholes to stop black people and liberals voting
  16. Provides yet more things for libertarians to bitch about
  17. Sets out the prerequisite popularity contest for people who make decisions on your behalf
  18. Makes alcohol way more dangerous
  19. Says the only way to stop your bitches from voting is to physically restrain them in the basement
  20. Changes the…. snore
  21. Well, no.18 was a fucking awful idea
  22. Wow, we’ve actually found a competent President… best not let him stay too long
  23. DC gets added to the Electoral College long after that system went way out of date
  24. No, really, guys… everyone should be allowed to vote, it’s called democracy, what’s so fucking hard about this?!
  25. Finally addresses stuff in 1965 that should have been fixed in 1865
  26. Voting, really… we should be allowed to vote. Why has this taken half a dozen amendments to set out?! Screw this, I’m going to commiserate 21st Amendment style…
  27. Stops representatives from voting for their own pay increases… yep, this literally didn’t get codified until the 1990s

Hope this helps!

Go on, derp away...

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