10 Things All Academics Do – That They’ll Never Admit To

1. Cite the Book of the Dead in your publications

Who can forget the first time they stumbled upon this one simple trick for conveying your membership of the RSC to your reviewers!

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2. Sacrifice the souls of your students to C’traefth’talh, the lesser demon god of Ki’taaal

It’s a laugh, isn’t it?

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3. Spend excess grant money on grand pianos

Unlike cars, they don’t depreciate in value and we’re still years away from Peak Piano – making them a good investment for all laboratories everywhere.

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4. Dance the Macarena in Social Studies 304

It always confuses students because that sort of behaviour belongs in Org. Chem 3105, but we all get confused.

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5. Play Pin-the-Thesis-on-the-Postgrad

This new replacement for the traditional thesis defence and viva has become all the rage on continental Europe.

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6. Get blind drunk before a meeting with the Vice Chancellor

It’s important to be at least as sozzled as the token millionaire in the room.

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7. Fake global warming data

Though you have to be careful – otherwise you might accidentally release the information to the public that proves chemtrails exist.

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8. Brew prison hooch in the technicians cabinet

Remember when you first discovered this trick? Good job the medical school has a stock of anti-nausea IV drips!

9. Induce Stockholm Syndrome in your first years

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That’s another couple of grand in fees, making this one well worth it.

10. Turn up to lectures on time

But don’t tell anyone, or that carefully crafted air of incompetence that stops them bugging you will be for nothing!

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