A young, 22 year old preacher was praying one day when he had a revelation from God. He was to become a missionary and take the word of God to the farthest flung reaches of the world. After some more thought, he decided on Africa, and picked a small group of villages in one of the poorest areas. So he raised the money to travel from his generous friends and packed his new Bibles, small and leather-bound, also bought by the generosity of his friends and flock.
In the first village, he found two children starving. Their parents were dead and they were just being raised on the street, collecting scraps of waste people had thrown out. The preacher didn’t know what to do, he reached into his bag to find one of the small, leather-bound Bibles he had brought with him. But, just as he was about to hand it to the small boy, he put it back, and reached into his other pocket and handed the child his last sandwich that he had packed for the flight.
In the second village, he found a family all infected with AIDS. Even the children of the family, five of them, were cursed with the disease as it was passed onto them by their parents. The father was clearly close to death, and so he reached into his bag for one of the small leather-bound Bibles. At the last moment, though, he couldn’t hand the man a Bible, so instead reached into his other pocket and gave him the last of his money. He helped the children fetch some clean water, and helped repair the window of their house.
In the third village, the man was almost destitute. Suddenly, a Toyota Hillux full of child soldiers roared into town. As the children jumped down with the AK-47s and extended 40-round magazines, he fled, and hid behind a small stack of bins. He heard the rapid shots of the fully-automatic gunfire, and eventually saw a few men dragged into the street and shot in the head. Finally, he saw some grown men walk into a far house and listened to the screams as they raped the women inside. No longer able to bare it, he reached into his bag to find that one leather-bound Bible that he wanted to give to others, but had really saved for himself…
Upon flicking through the Bible, he found that it contained no real help on close-quarters combat tactics or evasion techniques when facing off against heavily armed guerilla fighters in their own territory, nor did it really offer any help in terms of translating “please don’t shoot” into the local language. Also, upon realising the extent of the suffering around him, he concluded that no loving God could ever allow this sort of nonsense to happen and became an atheist, and would pray to Richard Dawkins daily. Also, his shivering may have been due to an easily preventable illness that he got in the country that could have been avoided if he took the recommended vaccine rather than thinking it would make him autistic. Also, that the leather on the Bible covers was an act of animal cruelty and so vowed to become a vegan, except for fish. Also, in a final act of common sense, he ran off, located the nearest American embassy and got his nearly bullet-ridden ass out of the country and back home, where he embarked on a large money-raising exercise for multiple charities, including Water Aid and Doctors Without Borders, as he realised that the thousands of dollars he spent on travel arrangements and buying books that didn’t really help the situation would be best off in the hands of experts with existing infrastructure and contacts to make a difference by employing local labour and buying local goods to simultaneously provide aid and improve the economy of the region. Also, that in hindsight having the Bibles in English in a place where literacy levels were low because of the lack of access to good education was a kinda stupid idea. Also, that preacher’s name was Albert Einstein.
Most of you won’t share this because you’d be bored to death by the end of the first paragraph, but share it if verbose, preachy, supposedly enlightening, anecdotal fiction annoys the fuck out of you, too.